one of those days....

wow, have you ever just struggled through a day and realized you are one tough banana? and that people should be impressed with who you are, what you can do, and the difficult things you go through/put up with/tolerate? today was one of those days for me. i realize that working in the nursing field i'm going to see a lot of complicated and ugly things. there is life and death every day. and i understand that every day is not going to be fun and easy. when you take care of people you see them in their most vulnerable state. you know more about them then they do sometimes. and i guess that's a blessing in some ways, to be trusted completely. but sometimes that is just a lot to take on. after what i saw today, i realized that no matter what i do, i'm human. it's amazing what God can show you in a day to really humble you.... 

i realize i'm kind of rambling a lot and i think it's because i'm still trying to work a lot of this out in my head. basically, today i was not at all excited about going to work, especially when i was told i would have to be a "sitter" for a difficult patient who had a severe altered mental status, sepsis, and was HIV+. i've seen and done a lot of things in my short five years as an aide but i've never taken care of anyone with HIV. honestly, i was a little bit scared. i understand because of what i've learned, that it is only passed through blood and other bodily fluids, so the risk of transmission is super low, but it's such a scary thing i was afraid. anyway, while he was being dialyzed, he became more and more aggitated to the point he was a danger to himself. honestly, i was afraid that he was going to crash and i was a little bit nervous. anyway, as i was sitting there trying to calm him down, i realized that if he were to die from sepsis, that would be an easier death for him. i would never wish death due to HIV/AIDS on anyone. anyone. ever. after thinking that, i also thought to myself "who am i?" i am such an awful person. i was trying not to judge this man or his life. i don't even know him or what has happened to him. and then when i came home i immediately took a scalding hot shower. in my head "it" was on me. i know, it's such a childish thought pattern. and honestly, i don't know how to get it out of my head. i'm hoping i'm just "normal" and having a reaction like the people i work with.... i don't know. i guess just something you have to experience and work through.... 

on a lighter note, the other night at work i got to experience one of the most spiritual things of my life. so far, most of the people i've told about this just kind of think it's "cute" of me... which makes me feel silly. i got to see an ultrasound of a 14 week old pregnancy. i've never seen an ultrasound in real life and it was just incredible. it is unbelievable to me that something so tiny can make you realize how huge God is. just seeing that itty bitty baby swimming around inside this woman's body.... WOW! i guess i really am kind of naive but wow. that is all i can say. anyone else understand what i mean???